Week 1

I've been meaning to post about school, being that I started at ASU exactly a week ago. However, I really don't know what to write. School is school. I won't know if it's "difficult" until the first exam on Monday. I feel as though I have a pretty good handle on everything.

One thing I will tell you, is that this heat is ridiculous. I walk to school everyday, since you can pretty much see the campus from my apartment. Walking 3/4 of a mile is not bad at all. Unless you are doing it in an average of 108 degree heat. I come home drenched in sweat every day and no amount of sunblock is enough. I've begun to take three baths a day. The first is my early morning bath in sunblock, followed by my afternoon sweat bath, and I end my evenings with a lukewarm shower. Like I said in my last post, I have literally MELTED away 10 pounds in the week I have been here. So I suppose that is a plus!

So I lied, I guess I do have something I want to post about. This is probably going to be a downer, but the reason I set this blog up was to be realistic and honest about my educational experience so that one day I can look back on my struggles and accomplishments.

I've been finding myself experiencing freak outs of grandeur as of late. More like extreme self-doubt, and a looming sense of failure. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but I am no genius. I'm a retard pretending to be intelligent. While I have done and am doing extremely well, I still have this little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm not going to survive this and that I will never get into Medical School. One thing that really upsets me...Well, not upsets. Irks me rather. One thing that really irks me, is when I do have these feelings of self-doubt, and people tell me "you can do it", "it's ok, you're gonna do fine!" or "you're smart, don't give up!" Really? I know in "theory" I can do it and I'm smart. When people try to give me pep talks I really just want to say "F*$# you." Not that I'm an angry, ungrateful person. I actually consider myself a very happy, appreciative person. It's just that sometimes I want someone to validate my feelings. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that what I'm doing is hard, scary, and sucks!

So here I am. Preparing for this first exam. Which I am mortified of. I always freak out before the first exam and the final exam. Am I just neurotic? I remember before my Physiology final I was freaking out and one of my friends said to me, "you always freak out before the final, but you always get an A. I think you can afford to chill out." I think I really do need to chill out.

I don't know what it is. I've always had this fear of failure. Even when I was in Rocket and Civet, I always had a feeling that I was on the chopping block. I always had a feeling that I was going to be cut. The same is true in terms of my academic career. I always have a feeling that I am going to fail. No matter what I do, I can never shake that feeling.

However, failure is never an option.