It's over

It's over. This semester has been the most taxing thus far. With the real threat of failing a class, I've started to seriously doubt myself and doubt if I have what it takes. No amount of motivational speeches can shake this feeling of failure I have lingering about me. 2013 has been very difficult for me. All I know is that when you hit rock bottom, there is no other way but up. I'll continue to count my blessings, and hope for the best; as difficult as it may be right now. I just can't give up hope in myself. If I don't believe in myself, then who will?

I'm going to become a Doctor Nun.

I'll be taking my first MCAT this January...

...I am terrified.

Electrochemistry and Thermodynamics

It's been a long while since I've posted anything of importance. I've been extremely busy. When I say extremely busy, I don't mean I've been out and about running errands. I mean, I haven't had 5 minutes for myself extremely busy. I'm taking 16 credit hours this term, as well as working in the lab. I think I've been to about 3 conferences in 1 month? Probably, it all seems like a blur at this point.

Truth of the matter is: I just feel completely lost. I had my yearly freak out today. It's been brewing actually. Last Monday when I was in the lab, everyone could tell I was stressed and in an odd mood. When I went down with one of the other girls to the vivarium, I just started crying. I started crying as I explained how bad I was struggling in my classes, how hard it was to be in the lab as much as I was, and how sometimes I just want to quit. This morning I woke up early to study and as I was making breakfast, I again started to cry. My grades this term will be dismal. I've accepted that. If I can score a 3.3 it will be a miracle. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make up for how bad I did in community college my first time around. In the lab, the work never stops. Everyday, a new experiment needs to be run or a new project is taken on. It's the end of the semester and I have lab reports, research papers, and studying that needs to get done. I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I can survive this. This semester is a total loss, and I am terrified I don't have what it takes to get into medical school. The reason why this upsets me so much is that I gave up EVERYTHING for this. EVERYTHING. My friends, my family, financial stability. And here I am, I can't even survive my undergraduate career! Everyone I care about has been so supportive and has so much faith me, yet I feel like such a fraud. I am currently having extreme doubts in myself.

Next daunting task: Study for the MCAT. I'm hoping to take my first MCAT by the end of the year and have been looking into classes for it. Princeton review is 8k. 8K!! That's like a whole semesters worth of tuition! At this point, with my less than stellar past and this awful term, I am keeping hope for scoring high on the MCAT. It's all I have at this point.

I need a vacation. :-/

Life's A Happy Song

After a 7 hour day of calculus, I'm feeling pretty loopy.

Enjoy!

Rapid Decompression

I felt this Against Me! song was fitting. Especially with the whole "how much is too much" line. I finally got to that point this week. As is evident from my posts on here talking about how much I am hating life and how I don't think I'll survive. After much soul-seeking, talking to my family, friends, other people that have been in my position, people in other labs, people with similar goals, I finally came to a decision. I want to be a Doctor. I don't want to be a researcher. Research is something extra, which is fun and which pays the bills right now. However, I don't need to be there 30+ hours a week. What finally gave me the epiphany that I don't need to be there as much as I have been there was after spring break.

 Finally, this week I got to the point where I just had to walk into my PI's office, tell him the situation, and finally tell my mentor I couldn't keep up the pace. I don't care that I get paid. You can't put a price tag on time. Having the time AND ENERGY to take care of your studies and yourself is priceless. Needless to say, this week I only have to go in for my meeting and to take some samples. I could not be happier!

Good Morning

This was on my desk this morning in Calculus. Not a bad way to start a Thursday. :)

Time to Regroup

Time to regroup.

I can do this.

I love this song

Spring Break

It's spring break! Yay! What that really means is that I get a break from classes but have to spend that break in the lab. Fortunately tomorrow I get to go home to California and I am beyond excited. This term has been hard. Every term is "hard," but this takes the cake. 16 units of math and science, 2 lab courses and in the lab about 30 hours. Honestly, I don't even know if I will survive this term.

I finally presented my research a week ago. I never thought I would be presenting my research, but I did...and I did really, really well.

It took 4 days, during which this is how I felt.

The final product.

Burnt

I am completely burnt out.

I feel like the Pixies song "where is my mind?"...Way out in the water, see it swimming...

I just want to save lives...but I don't even know if I'll survive undergrad... :(