Don't Mind Me...I'm Just Freaking Out.

I don't know what's come over me. This whole week I've had the hardest time concentrating. Just getting settled and focused to start working has been a feat. The truth of the matter is, i am completely overwhelmed at this point. With trying to get everything situated for my transfer, keep up with all my classes, taking/preparing for my placement tests, work, and deciding between ASU or DePaul, it's getting to be a little much at this point.

I'm also having a bit of a freak out in regards to what the hell it is I am actually doing with myself. I'm not a genius. When I think of a Doctor or a Medical student I think of someone with a far greater mental capacity than I possess. I've begun to ask myself if I'm even cut out to be a Doctor, or is it the perpetual optimist in me that believes that "I can do anything!" I struggle to get the grades that I do. If I struggle at community college, how am I going to manage at the next level? Physics and Organic Chemistry are considerably more intense than General Bio and Human Anatomy/Physiology. Am I going to start my pre-med courses and then fail miserably?! Then assuming I make it to Med-School am I going to be able to survive that? At this point I have had to cut out my social life just to scrape on by. How am I going to do it at the next level? At times, I just feel flat out dumb. I honestly am so scared that I am not cut out for the road I'm embarking on. I'm trying to complete all my pre-med courses in 2 years, and take my MCAT sometime before the start of my second year.I don't know if I am actually capable of achieving such a daunting task. I don't know why this is all hitting me now. Honestly, I am so confused. 

I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself either. I guess I feel the need to make up for the 6 years I wasted playing drums. I feel as though, had I never dropped out of AMDA, I would at least have my B.F.A. Then all I would have to do is a post-bac and be done with it all. Although I know I shouldn't have regrets, I do. I know I've lived a life full of great experiences that most can only dream of. However, a part of me would love to give back all of that just to be in a better academic situation today. I know that everything in life happens for a reason, and everything plays out the way it's supposed to. However, I do wish I had made more rational, educated decisions in my early 20's. Giving up everything to live a rock n' roll life, while I was successful at it, was not the best decision I could have made for myself.

I guess I'm noticing a pattern here. I gave up everything to be a touring drummer, I gave up everything to become a Doctor...Coincidence? I think not...